50 Things I Shouldn't Do at Hogwarts
by UbiquitousTime
Summary: A collection of drabbles, each one for a thing that one shouldn't do at Hogwarts. - From the list of '500 Things I Should Not Do At Hogwarts'. - Rated T, for safety -
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I know, I know, I shouldn't have started this when I know there are so many other things to be done but I had to because it was bugging me and - ! So there is a list of 500 Things I Should Not do At Hogwarts, and I'm going to choose 50 to write little drabbles about.

For this, I've created an OC. Her name is Charlotte Pontner. Usually just called Lotte. She's got mid-back length straight charcoal (well, it's not quite black and it's not quite gray) hair, and signature Black-family mercury eyes. She's a pureblood, daughter of Camellia Black and Arcturus Pontner. She's in Harry's year, is a fellow Gryffindor. Um, yeah. That's all you really need to know. She may change if needed, but basically... Yeah. I put her in Gryffindor because she'd do best there for most of the 'things I shouldn't do.'

**Disclaimer: **I own neither Harry Potter or the 500 Things I Should Not Do at Hogwarts.

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><p><strong>13. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".<strong>

Hermione watched as Lotte snuck suspicious glances at Seamus the entire time during breakfast. She spooned her Lucky Charms into her mouth as fast as humanely possible, before moving to pour some more.

"Er, Lotte," began Seamus, only to get cut off.

"NO! YOU'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS, AREN'T YA? I ALWAYS KNEW IT, SEAMUS!" she shouted, a crazed look in her eye.

She grabbed the box, and fled out of the Great Hall.

"SEAMUS IS AFTER ME LUCKY CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARMS!"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **And here is the second thing you should not do at Hogwarts!

Oh, and I forgot to mention - these are in no particular time order.

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><p><strong>30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.<strong>

"Professor Lupin! PROFESSER LUPIN!" screamed Lotte down the hallway.

The werewolf professor cringed, but turned around and pasted a smile on his face nonetheless.

"Yes, Ms. Pontner?"

"Happy Christmas, Professor Lupin!" cheered Lotte, rummaging around her bag.

"Wait for it, Professor... Lotte's gotten you a present and she won't tell anyone who it is!" whispered Neville to his professor.

Lotte didn't hear (or maybe she just didn't care) and pulled a prettily wrapped package out of her bag.

"There we go," she muttered.

"Happy Christmas, Professor Lupin! I've gotten you a present!" she smiled.

He smiled thankfully, and opened the present to be polite. A flea collar fell into his hands.

"MS. PONTNER, TWENTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR. I DO NOT WANT, NOR NEED, A FLEA COLLAR!"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Okay, and thing you shouldn't do number three!

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><p><strong>48. I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.<strong>

It was dinnertime, and everyone sat at their respective tables, munching on roast leg of lamb, or whatever they had.

Lotte smirked, and Hermione slapped a hand to her forehead, but sat quietly.

"Hey, Ginevra," she called. Ginny look at Lotte, and smiled pleasantly.

"Yes, Charlotte?"

"How do you properly strangle a chicken?" she asked innocently.

Ginny started turning red.

"I mean, I don't think the house elves do it correctly. This chicken tastes funny..."

"CHARLOTTE PONTNER, DO NOT ASK ME HOW TO PROPERLY STRANGLE A CHICKEN BECAUSE I **DON'T KNOW HOW**!"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **And number four (;

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><p><strong>61. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.<strong>

Lotte hummed a song as she swept the Gryffindor common room.

"Lotte, what _exactly_ are you doing?" asked a curious Fay Dunbar.

"Oh, nothing much... Just being Cinderella, sweeping the room," she replied airily, embodying Luna Lovegood very well.

"Ah, okay." Fay went back to her reading.

Harry came barreling down the stairs.

"Has anyone seen my Firebolt?" he asked around frantically.

"Nope," replied everyone.

Lotte continued sweeping, humming.

He ran off, looking for it.

An hour later, Harry ran back into the common room.

"Lotte, is that my Firebolt?" he asked calmly.

"Is it?" she glanced at the handle, "oh dear, it seems it is, Harry."

"LOTTE, MY FIREBOLT IS NOT TO BE USED TO A SWEEPER FOR THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM!"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Last chapter, I used the name Fay Dunbar. According to Harry Potter wiki, Fay was a Gryffindor in Harry's year who shared a dormitory with Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil, and Hermione Granger. (and this random other girl who became her bff.)

Yeah. So, we're up to number five already! Yay!

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><p><strong>83. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey. (Charming the label does not change anything.)<strong>

"Parvati, I've just gotten the greatest idea!" gushed Lavender to her friend.

Over in her little supervising-corner, a great idea struck Lotte Pontner.

She spent the next couple of weeks down in the kitchens, coming back late at night with bags under her eyes.

Finally, one day, she levitated a hundred boxes of ...something into the Great Hall. Charming a banner, it changed to read "BOTTLED GRYFFINDOR COURAGE! BUY YOUR GRYFFINDOR COURAGE TODAY, FOR ONLY 10 SICKLES A BOTTLE!"

She opened the nearest carton, and exposed a hundred bottles of firewhisky - ahem, bottled Gryffindor courage.

"MS. PONTNER, GRYFFINDOR COURAGE DOES NOT COME IN BOTTLES OF FIREWHISKY! AND CHARMING THE LABELS DOES NOT CHANGE ANYTHING."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **I've noticed my little drabbles are always ending the same, whatwith someone yelling at Lotte. Should I change them, or leave them be?

And here comes number six!

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><p><strong>95. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."<strong>

"Miss Pontner, I wish to see you after class," Professor McGonagall said to Lotte as she walked into the classroom. She nodded.

The transfiguration class - where they turned porcupines into pincushions - passed by slowly. Lotte spent the entire time trying to figure out what she had done wrong recently.

"Class dismissed... You have twenty inches on animal transfiguration," finally said, and the rest of Lotte's class filed out with a barely audible groan.

Lotte attempted sneaking out, but was caught.

"Miss Pontner, a word."

"I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT YOU HAVE NO EVIDENCE!"

"I- what? Miss Pontner, what did you do this time?"

"I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Wow, number seven already. Seems like times is just flying by...

Thanks to everyone who favorited/alerted, it means a lot!

And I _kinda_ ended the last one differently, didn't I?

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><p><strong>139. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.<strong>

Christmas break ended abruptly, and everybody returned to Hogwarts happily. A variety of things were brought - new parchments, quills, a can of Raid, inkpots, candy, clothes, etc.

As you can guess, Lotte brought the can of Raid.

She carried it around with her, no matter where she went. It was tucked into her robes, along with her wand.

Lotte was late for lunch, and she ran into the Great Hall. Right smack-dab into Rita Skeeter.

"Ohh, I've got you now, Skeeter!" she snarled, waving the can of Raid around and spraying puffs of it all over Rita Skeeter's body.

"MISS PONTNER, TWENTY POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR AND DETENTION WITH ME TONIGHT! We do not threaten Miss Skeeter with cans of Raid, even if she deserves it."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **So I definitely changed that one up. It was very funny, but kind of hard to write about. Hopefully this one is a bit better, yeah? And yes, I did give twenty points TO Gryffindor. ;)

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><p><strong>140. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera.<strong>

It was a picturesque winter day - snow fell lightly, covering eyelashes and hats with snowflakes that melted, and the ground underfoot crunched.

'Twas a Hogsmeade weekend for the Hogwarts students, and most of the school was out in Hogsmeade - except certain Slytherins who had ties to the Dark Lord through family.

Nobody made the connection - except a certain Albus Dumbledore who only smiled and pretended to not know.

When the Death Eaters stormed in, everyone screamed and ran towards Hogwarts. Lotte, however, searched diligently for one wearing a white mask. She let out a shriek of delight, cast a _Sonorus_ charm on herself, and started singing.

"THE PHAAAANTOM OF THE OPERA IS HEREEEEEEEE!"


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **I feel horrible for doing two consecutive numbers, but both were hilarious and I just couldn't pass them up. So, sorry. I might add more numbers to this if I do fifty and still feel like there's a bunch that I should do, but oh well. I'm going to upload as I go, so don't expect regular updates. Especially once school starts, because then I'll be running amok with work, kids, kids, kids, husbands, work, husbands, and more kids.

So without further ado, number nine!

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><p><strong>172. I will not dye the Death Eaters robes pink.<strong>

She took a turn down Diagon Alley and enter Knockturn Alley.

Lotte strolled along, whistling a tune. Soon enough, Death Eaters surrounded her.

"What are you doing here, girly?" snarled one.

"I need to speak to your master," she replied with her poker face on. After much arguing and spell-throwing, Lotte was brought to the headquarters of the Death Eaters.

She slipped to the laundry room, charmed all the Death Eaters' robes pink, and apparated away.

A shout was heard all the way from Malfoy Manor to Hogwarts.

"WHO DIED MY LOYAL SERVANTS' ROBES PINK?"


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **Hahaha, number ten. I got a little sidetracked doing other fics, so sorry...

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><p><strong>221. Not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".<strong>

Lotte grinned maniacally.

"Yessssss," she cackled, waving the scarlet-and-gold badge around with glee.

"I've done it, Mum! I'm prefect!" she continued.

Her mother looked astounded.

"Over Ms. Granger?" she asked incredulously.

"No, I'm a sixth year and for some silly reason they decided to make me prefect... Hermes got prefect last year," explained Lotte.

"Ah. Well, good on you."

Lotte kept her prefect status a secret, borrowing Harry's invisibility cloak so she could attend the prefect meetings.

Nobody even realized she was a prefect until the year was almost over, and everyone but her was stressing over end-of-term tests.

She grinned, after running over a first year that she didn't see.

"Hey! Watch where you're going! And you! Twenty points from Ravenclaw for being too bloody short!" she cried indignantly.

"You aren't a prefect, you can't take points!"

Lotte flashed her prefect badge.

"Oh, can't I? Twenty more points from Ravenclaw for doubting my authority!"


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **Well, that one certainly ended differently. Here comes number eleven. I like this one. I put Lotte in Slytherin for part one, and back to Gryffindor for part two. Since she refers to Snape as 'Mum' and Snape is the head of Slytherin House, I thought she'd do better in Slytherin for a stint.

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><p><strong>223. I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Mum". (Nor Professor Snape.)<strong>

Lotte ran into the Great Hall, late for breakfast. She grabbed a piece of toast, shoved it into her mouth and then rushed off to Potions.

They brewed Draught of Peace that day, and at the end of the lesson, she walked out with a cheeky,

"Bye Mum!"

Snape turned red.

"MISS PONTNER, DO NOT REFER TO ME AS MUM! FIVE POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!"

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><p>Lotte got called to the Headmaster's office.<p>

She trudged up the stairs, stopping in front of the gargoyle that guarded his office.

"Buhh... ice mice," she told it, and it stepped away to reveal a small hole.

She climbed through, rode the stairs up, and knocked on the great oak door.

"Come in," welcomed Dumbledore.

"Miss Pontner, it has come to my attention that you have a stash of lemon drops in your room. I would request that you bring them up to me, and soon," he said, his face so perfectly serious.

"Okay," she responded cheerfully, "_accio_ lemon drops!"

A bag of lemon drops could be seen flying through the hallways of Hogwarts that day.

They flew in, landed in Lotte's hand, and she tossed them onto Dumbledore's desk.

"G'day, Mum!"


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: **Ahh, that last one was a little different. I didn't like writing like that. I like the way I usually write better. And without further ado, number twelve.

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><p><strong>258. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.<strong>

"Oh, you all go ahead," she said airily, "I'll catch up to you in a moment."

Lotte waved them off, staying in her armchair with her book of charms. No one realized, and no one cared.

Once everyone was gone, she snuck out and found the box of balls.

She pushed the Quaffle aside, and found the little Snitch hiding at the corner.

She picked it up gently by a wing, wearing gloves so as not to spread her fingerprints.

Murmuring a spell quietly under her breath, the Snitch glowed silver and then faded. She dropped it back into the box, put the lid on, and scrambled to the Gryffindor Quidditch stands.

No one even noticed she was gone.

And no one realized she was the reason why as soon as the Snitch was released, it flew up a Slytherin's nose.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: **It seems like forever since I've last updated this! So without further ado, number 13!

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><p><strong>265. The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.<strong>

"Lotte," began a half-scared, half-amused Ginny Weasley, "where, exactly, are you going?"

Lotte paused midstep, the first year Hufflepuff bound in ropes and being dragged behind her wiggling.

"Out," she replied simply, before continuing on her way.

Ginny chuckled, before turning and making her way back to Gryffindor tower.

Lotte stopped in front of the Great Lake.

"MY LORD CHTULHU!" she called out in a loud voice.

"ON THIS NIGHT THEE, I GIVE THOU FIRST YEAR HUFFLEPUFF!"

Lotte picked up the struggling firstie and was about to throw him into the lake when a certain Professor Flitwick showed up.

"Miss Pontner! What is - whatever - MISS PONTNER, FIFTEEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! The Giant Squid is _not_ your Lord Chtulhu, and you are _not_ allowed to sacrifice first years to it, especially on the new moon!"


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: **I liked that last one, even if it wasn't that good. ^^

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><p><strong>270. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.<strong>

In the back of the Gryffindor common room, away from prying eyes and nosy ears, Lotte Pontner cackled.

She brandished a small square of parchment. It read, "_Dear Severus, OH, how I have dreamed of you! My love, my life. It is unfortunate you love me not, but dearest, I hold hope! Your beloved, Remus J. Lupin."_

With one more cackle, she slipped up to her dorm.

The next day, Lotte woke up especially early, and rushed to the Great Hall before even the professors. She placed the note, face-down, peeking out from under Professor Snape's plate.

Then she sprinted back to the dormitories, and pretended nothing had happened.

When Professor Snape almost had a coronary at breakfast that day, she pretended she knew nothing of why.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: **So, busy time has started and guess what - I'm busy! Shocker, right? I agree.

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><p><strong>277. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'. (I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.) ((Especially not with kazoos.))<strong>

"Miss Pontner, Headmaster Dumbledore wishes to see you after class," said a slightly amused, but mostly irritated Professor McGonagall.

"Yes ma'am," responded Lotte, diligently jotting it down in the corner of her parchment.

McGonagall narrowed her eyes, but chose not to say anything.

At the end of class ('Class dismissed.'), Lotte rushed off to the kitchens, rallied the house elves, and marched towards the Headmaster's office.

No one noticed anything funny at first - the halls were deserted.

As she neared his office, students and professors alike began hearing funny noises, and stuck their heads out the doors.

The sight (and sounds) that beholded them was silly. Quite.

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!" sang Lotte, with hundreds of house-elves on kazoos trailing behind her.

Professor Sprout sighed.

"Miss Pontner, twenty points from Gryffindor! You _know_ that's not right. Now return the house-elves to their jobs, I would like dinner on time today."


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:** Ohmygod, she's alive.

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><p><strong>281. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.<strong>

Lotte whistled as she waltzed through the corridors of home sweet Hogwarts. Dumbledore walked by her serenely, but she turned and gasped loudly. Students, confused, turned around to watch the scene unfold.

"Headmaster Dumbledore sir!" she gasped, mouth hanging open.

"Yes, Miss Pontner."

"The Grim Reaper! He's behind you! And he looks terribly impatient... And he's tapping his hourglass!"

"Miss Pontner, I'm far from being dead."

"Lotte, are you okay?" asked a concerned Harry.

"HE'S BEHIND YOU TOO, HARRY!" she wailed, running off.


End file.
